Source: Image of Yelling Mouth, Public Domain, http://mrg.bz/0z1c8V
Hi, I'm Julie Tietz, and welcome to Conflict Resolution, Putting the Pieces Together. Today, we're going to discuss the topic of anger and conflict. So let's start off with our key terms. Anger-- and emotion associated with aggressive behavior associated with a triggering event. Venting-- expressing the feeling of anger in a non-blaming way, acknowledging the emotion of anger and its causes and reactions. Blaming-- attributing a negative condition for oneself to another's actions or inactions.
Passive-aggressive-- category of interpersonal interactions characterized by hostility or attempts to obstruct and frustrate another, expression of aggression in non-assertive, subtle, for example, passive or indirect ways. Primary emotion-- when two or more emotions are felt, the emotion which is most important to the person experiencing the emotions. Secondary emotion-- when two or more emotions are felt, the emotion less important to the experience, though may be the emotion most prominently displayed.
Anger and conflict is extremely common. I can't think of a person that has not experienced anger, especially when they are in a conflict situation. And it's important to know that anger is an emotional reaction. And this stems from unmet needs. So when we express anger, something within our needs system or our values are not being met. And so that stirs up the emotion of anger.
And we can express anger in constructive ways, such as letting the people know that we need to be heard. And maybe we are venting, as one of our key terms is we're venting, and we're not blaming other people. But we just want people to note that we are angry, and that they're hearing us and are willing to maybe lend a helping hand or give advice to us on how to proceed within our situation.
Also, we can express anger in a non-constructive way. For example, when we're blaming other people, when we are blaming people for how we feel, that doesn't make the situation any better. It puts people on the-- it makes them feel offended or makes them feel like they have to join in on the confrontation and maybe bring about other emotions or other scenarios that are not really constructive to the situation. Or they could be passive-aggressive and not really bring forth what is going on and be indirect and subtle about their anger.
And anger oftentimes is a secondary emotion. And so it's just a cover for what is really going on and how we are really feeling. And because it's a secondary emotion, we often express this more louder, or it's more present in the situation, rather than how we are really feeling, such as hurt, or embarrassment, or fear, or maybe we are shy, whatever the primary emotion may be.
So when we explore our deeper feelings or explore our more primary emotions, we see that anger is the secondary emotion and that we are opening to look at our primary emotions. What is really the heart of the matter here? Why are we feeling this way? We may be expressing the anger, but there's something else going on.
And when we open up to exploring deeper feelings and expressing our primary emotions, we can have a better chance at resolving the situation. So we may say in the situation, hey, when I was yelling at you for not putting the dishes away, I was actually feeling hurt because of a different scenario. And it was just coming out as a secondary emotion, my anger here. You know, I was really hurt the other day when you didn't acknowledge that I did all of the laundry for you, or whatever the primary emotion may be.
And in most instance, anger will likely escalate conflict, versus being more productive. And this is because when people are expressing anger, they oftentimes are doing it in a non-constructive way, such as blaming. And nobody likes to feel like they're being blamed. And that really closes the door for opening up to exploring our primary emotions and gaining empathy from the other party.
So when we are experiencing anger and conflict resolution processes, it's important to let the parties know that they should expect anger in the process. It's really common for people, again, to express emotions of anger when they're in conflict. And so we need to let the parties know that that's going to be there and to expect it.
But we also need to ask them, how are we going to deal with anger if it's present? Are we going to have to take a break? Are we going to call people out on their anger, and maybe redirect their blaming, or maybe note that, yes, I'm angry, but I'm venting. I want you to hear why I'm angry. Whatever the situation is, we just have to have a way to deal with it so we can move along in the process and make it more constructive.
So now we've covered anger and conflict. Let's go over our key points. Anger is an emotional reaction to a conflict, and it's common in conflict. And anger is typically a secondary emotion. And once we recognize that anger is a secondary emotion, we can open up to our underlying or primary emotions that are really at the heart of the matter, heart of the conflict-- why we are feeling how we're feeling. And expecting anger and having strategies to deal with it makes conflict resolution processes more effective and constructive into leading to a resolution of the parties and their situation.
Thanks for taking the time out to view this tutorial. I hope you've gained something. And I can't wait to catch you again next time.