Hi. I'm Julie Tietz, and welcome to Conflict Resolution, Putting the Pieces Together. Today we're going to talk about courageous and difficult conversations as a means of reducing or resolving personal conflicts and strengthening relationships.
So difficult and courageous conversations involve productive dialogue. So it's a method or strategy where we are going to talk with others about issues that are really hard for parties to discuss. Some examples could include racism, sexism, or homophobia. And the intention of this dialogue is not to change values or opinions or even necessarily reach an agreement. But rather, we are having this dialogue to gain mutual understanding and have respectful relationships with one another.
When we are going to make the decision to have a dialogue over a sensitive or difficult topic, we are going to be sure that we are not going to have this dialogue after a provocative event. And so this is where the parties are in the heat of the moment. We are going to, rather, have the dialogue when the parties are there to come in good faith.
And so they want to have the dialogue. They're going to have this conversation purposefully to try and reach that understanding. We don't want to do it after a really provocative event because parties are still going to feel that heat within themselves and are not going to have the ability to think clearly and really sit down and have that respectful conversation.
Because the topics that we are discussing in this dialogue are really emotional, we want the parties to set some ground rules. And these ground rules are considered or set by both of the parties or all of the parties involved. And this is so we can prevent some of those negative emotions that we may feel around this topic. And we don't want to necessarily have those displayed in this dialogue.
So we want to set some rules on how we're going to speak to one another. Maybe set some rules on when individuals need to take a break so they can take some time to collect themselves and have a breath from the conversation. Those types of things that the parties may want to have and set for themselves.
Also, again, we're going to use our conflict resolution techniques. So we're going to come from a place of curiosity when we're having this dialogue. And it's a really respectful way to go about it. So we're going to ask some clarifying questions and use I-messages, rather than blaming the individual or shaming them for their beliefs and convictions surrounding the specific topic at hand.
And we're also going to have the parties suspend judgment. So rather than sitting there and evaluating some of the ideas or the situation or the person themselves, we're going to really ask the parties to refrain from doing that. It's hard to do that, especially around difficult topics, because it's in our nature to really analyze what people are saying.
But for the point of this dialogue, we really have to make an effort to suspend that judgment and move away from our assumptions, as well. We have to let the parties speak for themselves. We can't assume that they are thinking a certain way. But rather, move away from that assumption, and let them speak and clarify what they mean and what they really believe surrounding the topic.
A real life example that happened with a difficult conversation was surrounding the topic of abortion. Each side on this topic have very firm beliefs and stances in what they believe. And this specific example happened in Boston during the early '90s.
And the parties on both sides were really taken back due to some of clinic workers deaths that occurred around this topic. And that really got the parties to step back from their heat of the moment, and really wanted to have a dialogue with each other to reach some understanding and set some ground rules and really find some respect and gain some understanding and communication. And this took several years.
The parties met in secret, in this example, to really come up with a full statement on what they believed on both sides, and really reached a mutual understanding. They didn't agree with each other, necessarily. But they really took on and saw their perspective and created a more respectful relationship with one another and found ways in which they could still hold on what they believed, but also ways in which people could voice their opinions in a respectful manner, and also feel safe in doing so.
And this actually sparked an organization called the Public Conversations Project. And I recommend you look up on their website to see all of the great things that they are doing with courageous and difficult conversations and dialogue to promote civil discourse on these really hard topics.
Let's look at our key points on courageous and difficult conversations. We know that a courageous or difficult conversation involves a productive dialogue. And it's a method to reach mutual understanding, where the parties meet to come in good faith.
So we want to make sure we're having this dialogue when the parties are calm and want to really discuss the issues, rather than at the point where they are in the heat of the moment. And through this process, we're going to utilize our conflict resolution techniques. So I-messages, asking clarifying questions. And this can facilitate mutual understanding.
And also, we want to suspend judgment and move away from our assumptions. We are going to move away from evaluating the people and the situation and their ideas, and let them speak for themselves so we don't make those assumptions that could be wrong.
Here are your key terms before we go. Feel free to pause and look at them a little bit closer. Thanks for taking the time out. And I can't wait to catch you again next time.
