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Thesis Statement for the First Draft: Women are being objectified by a University that has a responsibility to treat women with equality and not as second-class citizens.
Thesis Statement for the Final Draft: The University has a responsibility to treat women with equality and dignity and not as second-class citizens.
Summarization for the Final Draft: Santi DeRosa shares his disgust as to how women are being objectified and used to recruit football players. He is able to identify the women in his life and uses supporting ideas about how coaches use women to help recruit because it is “What other schools do.” He also in comparison to his original draft uses numbers and percentages as illustrations to support his argument. DeRosa also outlines the issues caused by using women as recruiting tools such as improper conduct, illegal recruiting practices, and allegations of sexual assault at the University of Colorado. Unlike the first draft, DeRosa then outlines the evolution of women’s equality by the struggle women had to face to get basic rights and uses this to indicate the strength of women in general. DeRosa also includes his own family members and is able to identify the importance of women in society and the roles they had to play to help support their family. He uses examples about his grandmother as well as his mother working as a seamstress in the 1950’s and 1960’s and how women fought for equal pay. He also describes examples of objectifying women in popular culture and sports such as the “Dallas Cheerleaders”, and “TV Advertisements” due to their appearance which is something that was not included in the first draft. He is also able to empathize with how women are treated and also questions the staff as to how they would allow this treatment being as they are women themselves.
Thesis Statement Changes: The thesis statement itself remains the same between both drafts but rather the word placement in the final draft is positioned in such a way that the reader understands from the beginning the biggest issue comes from the University.
My Opinions on DeRosa’s Views: I am in complete agreement with his views and in actuality based on his writing, his supporting documentation, and word choice it makes me quite disgusted with the topic in general. I do feel as if women will continue to be objectified in our society because it has been an accepted way of thinking for such a long time that most people do not have a realization of the issue. It is a known fact that history tends to repeat itself and I think unless each and every single person can identify the issue then objectifying women will continue.
Three Changes between first and final draft and why: The first change that was made between the first and final draft was word placement. The first draft didn’t have powerful word choices to help support the topic. For example, Women have made impressive gains in their professional lives, but they have also come to be seen, more and more, as objects. This clearly indicates the struggle women have had to endure as well as some of the celebrated accomplishments women have had as well. DeRosa made this change to sound more convincing and to support his claim through better word choices to ensure the reader would support his view. The second change that was made was to provide an example of the dangers that could happen by objectifying women. For example Improper conduct, illegal recruiting practices, and allegations of sexual assault at the University of Colorado due to these recruiting practices. He did this so that the reader is able to see real life issues with using these recruiting processes and the detrimental outcome of objectifying women and its impact on others. The third change that DeRosa made was to include the evolution of women’s equality and how objectifying women sets us back in all of the progress that has been made. For example: Over the last hundred years, women have traveled a rocky road to greater equality. At the turn of the twentieth-century women didn’t have many of the rights we take for granted today, such as the right to own property and the right to vote. He did this to illustrate how important women’s rights are and how women in the past have fought to ensure that women are treated equally and an example of this recruiting process hinders the progress that has been made.