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Hi, I'm Julie Tietz, and welcome to Conflict Resolution-- Putting the Pieces Together. Today, we're going to talk about how we can effectively utilize I statements in conflict.
Sometimes when we're in conflict, it can feel like things are spiraling out of control. And we may be saying things to each other such as, you're the reason why we're in this mess. If you could keep track of things I would have been on time. It's all your fault. You, you, you.
Does any of this sound familiar? Well, I know for me it sounds familiar when I've been in conflict. And, yes, it can get out of control, even a person that is familiar with conflict resolution techniques. It happens to all of us.
But there is a way in which we can stop using what we call you statements where we give usually a negative trait or quality to another person. And these can be offensive and maybe want people to not engage in conversation with you or possibly escalate the conflict further.
So we want to move away from utilizing these you statements. And we want to stop our conflict from spiraling out of control.
So how do we do this? We're going to go over a couple of different ways in which we can do this. So in order to gain control in a conflict situation or make it a more controllable action, we must move away, again, from our you statements where we are giving negative traits to another person. And we should really consider utilizing these conflict resolution techniques and perspectives.
And these are people versus problems, reaction versus response, identity versus action, and I statements. So we're going to go through each of these and talk about what they mean and how we can use them in a conflict situation.
One of the first techniques that we really need to utilize and think about when we're in conflict is people versus problems. And this is where we are looking at the tangible aspects of the conflict rather than the people aspects. So we want to look at the problem itself as the issue, and not bring in the people aspect. Yes, there are people involved in conflict, but we're not bring in personal traits about people, et cetera, as a reason why we're in the conflict.
We also then want to utilize identity versus action. This is really similar to people versus problems. And this is where we are looking specifically at the person's actions and not their personal qualities. So we're not attributing how a person acts as how they are necessarily as a person.
So for example, let's say that I turned my work report late one time. And we're not going to say that I'm an unreliable person because I did that one thing. So that would be an example of how we are using identity versus action.
Further, we also want to look at utilizing reaction versus response. And this is where we want to avoid our knee jerk responses. And we want to utilize the think before you speak method.
It's really hard sometimes when we're in conflict because things can be heated and we want to really say what's on our mind. And things may be going at a really rapid pace. And so we may blurt out something that we didn't necessarily want to say.
And so we really do need to try and calm ourselves and think about the words that we're going to say before we say them so we can be more effective in our conflict situation and avoid possible mishaps in communication.
And then finally, one of the best ways that we can turn a conflict around and put it into more of a controllable situation is utilizing I statements. And I statements really describe how somebody's actions affected us. And we're really going to talk in depth now more about how we develop an I statement and where we should use them.
When we are developing an I statement, we want to use this formula. When you x, I respond, or it makes me feel y, because z So that's the formula. Now let's look at it in an example.
When you turn your work in late, x, so the person's actions comes first, it makes me feel anxious, y, and so next we put in how it made us feel or how we responded, because it puts my work on hold, z, the reason why the actions made you feel a certain way.
So earlier in our tutorial, we were talking about you statements. And now I really want to talk about how we need to move away from using those you statements and turning them into I statements.
So I'm going to use an example here. There are parties that are in conflict, and they are living in the same apartment building. And one of the issues is surrounding the dog.
So a party says, you're a terrible and irresponsible pet owner. So here, we are utilizing a you statement. We are attacking a person's traits and saying that they're a bad pet owner. That person feels really offended by that because they think that they're a great pet owner.
But if the person turned this you statement around into an I statement, it could look something more like this. When you don't clean up your dog poop in the sandbox, I get grossed out because my kid plays in there.
And so that gives a little bit further explanation on his actions and not cleaning up his dog's mess, and how that affects the other person and their family. So this is what we really need to encourage and do ourselves when we're in a conflict, is to turn those you and blaming statements around into I statements where we are demonstrating how their actions affected us rather than attacking their personal integrity.
So now that we've gone over I statements and how to gain control in conflict, let's go over some of our key points. We want to refrain from using you and blaming statements in conflict because they can be offensive to another party and disengage them and possibly escalate the conflict further.
We want to utilize people versus problems, and identity versus action, and reaction versus response. So we want to utilize those techniques over you statements.
And again, as we've discussed in depth, we want to utilize those I statements effectively. So we want to take on the actions versus personal traits and display them in an I statement so we can really get across how actions made us feel and really have more respectful communication with each other, and hopefully resolve our conflict.
Well, that's all I have for you today. Here are our key terms. Feel free to pause and look them over. Thank you so much for taking the time out. And I can't wait to catch you again next time.