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Recall that the pre-conflict stage is when an issue may be brewing, but you're not really aware of what it is. Then there's the actual conflict stage and the post-conflict stage when things are resolved.
Within the conflict phase, the first stage is often the feeling of discomfort that something is wrong. Following discomfort is the incident stage of conflict, in which parties become aware of how each other's roles impact unmet needs. Awareness is attained through a concrete occurrence in their relationship.
Here are a couple of examples:
EXAMPLE
At your job, there have been a lot of new projects going on, and management has recently hired some new people. You've been asked to do a little bit of training or mentoring of one of these people, and you’re a little uncomfortable with the way this relationship is going. At a recent team meeting, your trainee shared an idea, presenting it as his own. While everyone is impressed, this was actually your idea. Now you feel betrayed because you're not getting the credit for this work.EXAMPLE
You have recently had to work a little extra, so your nine-year-old son doesn't have a place to go after school. In order to save money on daycare, your spouse suggests that their sister take care of your son. You feel a little uncomfortable because things are a bit loose over at your sister-in-law's, but you agree. You drop your son off after school, and things seem to be working out in terms of saving money. But, today your son came home and talked about a movie he watched over there, and it's a movie that you did not want him to see. Now that you know this incident has happened, you’re not comfortable with your sister-in-law providing this after-school care for your son.During the incident phase of conflict, there is often a tendency to minimize the incident by saying or thinking things such as:
Thus, the conflict could have begun here, or it might actually have begun back in the discomfort stage. Because conflicts can escalate and de-escalate between stages, it’s best to resolve the conflict at the earliest possible stage.
For the examples above, here are some potential approaches:
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